Why Systems Might Not Be Working For You
Have you ever felt like your own worst enemy when it comes to getting things done? You're not alone. As someone with ADHD, I know firsthand how frustrating it can be to have a million brilliant ideas, but struggle to bring them to life. It's not that we're lazy or incapable - far from it. But sometimes, the harder we try to force ourselves to "just do it," the more stuck we feel.
That's where ADHD coaching comes in. At its core, coaching is about building self-awareness (understanding why certain things are difficult) and empowerment (figuring out what to do about it). It's a journey of unearthing our natural creativity, resourcefulness, and wholeness - qualities that ADHD brains have in spades, even if the world sometimes tells us otherwise.
Shame: the real enemy
One of the biggest barriers to unleashing our potential? Shame. That nagging voice that tells us we're broken, lazy, or just not good enough. As an ADHD coach, I've seen countless clients held back more by their own negative self-talk than by any inherent inability.
Here's the thing: the opposite of shame is feeling confident and competent. When we focus on our successes and strengths, we start to chip away at the shame that keeps us small.
So how do we do that, exactly? By getting curious.
Curiosity: the key to unlocking stuck-ness
When we're facing a challenge, our instinct might be to beat ourselves up or throw our hands in the air and give up. But what if, instead, we got curious? What if we put on our detective hats and started asking questions like:
- "When was a time I managed to do something similar, and what was different about that situation?"
- "What emotions are coming up for me right now, and what might they be trying to tell me?"
- "Am I procrastinating (actively choosing to delay) or paralyzed (feeling unable to start)? What do I need to move forward?"
By approaching obstacles with curiosity instead of judgment, we open up new possibilities. We start to see that our behavior makes sense in context, and that there are clues in our past successes that can help us navigate the present.
For example, let's say you're paralyzed about starting a work project. Instead of spiraling into shame, you might ask yourself: "When was the last time I felt excited and engaged while working? What was it about that project that lit me up?"
Maybe you realize it had a creative component that the current project is lacking. Aha! Now you have a thread to follow. How could you bring more creativity into this project? What if you started by mind-mapping ideas with colorful markers instead of sitting down to write?
The magic is in the questions. When we shift from self-judgment to self-discovery, new paths emerge.
Insight + Action: the dynamic duo
Of course, following our curiosity is just the beginning. I'm a big believer in blending insight with action. Once we have a sense of what we need, it's time to experiment with structures and strategies to support us.
In my coaching practice, I often work with clients to develop three key elements for tackling projects:
- A plan that breaks the task down into bite-sized steps
- Time awareness around when they'll work on it and for how long
- Motivation, whether through novelty, challenge, urgency, or genuine interest
The specific combination looks different for everyone. The key is giving yourself permission to customize your approach instead of trying to force yourself into a one-size-fits-all mold.
For one client, that might mean using a timed work sprint to get started on something they've been avoiding. For another, it's all about externalizing deadlines through accountability buddies or body doubling.
There's no magic formula, but there are endless possibilities to explore. And here's the best part: you already have everything you need to find what works for you.
You are the expert
You are the expert on your own brain. No one knows better than you what lights you up, what shuts you down, and what you need to thrive.
So the next time you find yourself stuck, take a deep breath and get curious. Ask yourself:
- What's really going on beneath the surface?
- What stories am I telling myself about this situation?
- How could I break this down into smaller, more manageable steps?
- Who or what could support me as I tackle this?
- What would make this feel more engaging, creative, or meaningful?
Remember, your brain is not broken. It's brilliant. And with a little curiosity, self-compassion, and a willingness to experiment, you can unlock its incredible potential.
You've got this.
What's the difference for you between situations when strategies work and when they don't work for you?
Some have systems that work in one environment but can't replicate it in another environment. E.g. A silent study room worked great in college but that environment doesn't exist in the workplace. So then you have to get creative - using noise-canceling headphones, instrumental music, or apps like Focusmate for body doubling. But those solutions can come with new challenges like coworkers not understanding what you're doing.
Are you saying shame is related to paralysis?
Shame often underlies paralysis and differentiates it from procrastination. Overwhelm can also cause paralysis without shame. The longer you wait to do something, the more likely shame will grow and make taking action even harder. It's important to dig into the emotions fueling paralysis, shame or otherwise.
When processing emotions using questions like "what does it mean to be someone with this problem," are you going through all the questions at once or one at a time?
There's no single process, it depends on the person and situation. Start by identifying what you're feeling and why. Get curious to uncover the real reasons behind challenges. Different questions will resonate for different people.
Helpful Insights from Attendees:
- Solving problems for yourself leads to a unique sense of confidence and empowerment. Getting a quick fix from someone else's solution can create defiance or authority issues.
- Diagnostic approaches can be helpful initially to gain understanding and vocabulary. But with self-discovery, you develop the confidence to self-advocate and communicate your needs.
- Accommodations can be a double-edged sword. They're not always safe or comfortable for everyone to seek out, depending on the environment and attitudes toward neurodiversity.
- Paralysis often happens with projects you're genuinely interested in and want to shine at. There's a disconnect between logical understanding and the emotional experience that feels like failure.
- There's societal and intersectional pressure on women to have everything together without needing help. Not meeting that expectation can feel like being "less than" others.
- Collaborating and relying on others should be normalized more. We all have different strengths and challenges. Openly supporting each other makes life easier.
- Reframing negative self-talk by "putting thoughts on trial" and finding contrary evidence of competence is a powerful tool for breaking shame spirals.
