O'Ryan: Hey there, my name's O'Ryan, and today I am joined by Trina from my lady ADHD.

Trina: Hello.

O'Ryan: And Coach Noelle.

So today we have a note from a listener.

Sam (California): Hi, uh, this is Sam from California. Uh, I wanted to ask about ADHD and relationships. I feel like it's been really difficult lately for me to explain some of my ADHD things with my partner. And I feel like we've been struggling a little bit around this. How can I talk about my ADHD with my partner? Um. Is this, is this an ADHD thing or am I just really bad at relationships?

Noelle: Oh.

Trina: Oh, I know that feeling all too well. Feeling like you're just

O'Ryan: Yes.

Trina: life in

O'Ryan: I think it might be an ADHD thing.

Trina: I think so.

O'Ryan: also, a human thing.

Trina: I actually have a whole, list of things that I also struggle with in relationships that I jotted down. Just, to give this person something to resonate with. 'cause I think this is a super common issue with ADHD years.

Noelle: Mm-hmm.

Trina: I think we were talking briefly right before we started recording. Noelle, this is something that members come in with all the time,

Noelle: yeah. Like one of our top reasons that people to us for coaching.

Trina: Is the relationship issues.

O'Ryan: Yeah.

Noelle: Yeah.

Trina: Ugh. It's so sad and so hard.

O'Ryan: I think that just goes to show though, like just how common this is. So I think that that's gonna be a really important takeaway from this episode is if you're feeling like you're bad at relationships or, just communicating in general. this is a really common thing.

and I feel like, I know myself, I definitely.

have struggled with this. I know before I was even diagnosed it was worse, right? Because you couldn't label it, you didn't know what was going

on. You just felt really

othered.

Noelle: Yeah.

O'Ryan: And there might even be a little bit some trauma attached to that too. that we can probably go into.

Trina: Yeah.

Noelle: I mean, if you don't know that it's ADHD, that is holding you back in your relationships. You're gonna blame yourself. And so there's all kinds of shame, and that's where the whole is. This just me kind of question comes in.

Trina: Yeah. So I'm curious like what the. Issues are like, what does come up with, ADHD in relationships? what are the most common things that you hear members struggling with in particular?

Noelle: Yeah. Well, I mean because our relationship is Kind of part of your whole, your whole life. every, every ADHD symptom can impact a relationship. You've got boredom, whether that's, oh, I am bored of this conversation and I'm having a hard time paying attention to it, or. Maybe you of lose that initial spark in the beginning.

And so initially you're like, you know, enamored with the the person, 'cause it's new, right? And we love novelty. then that newness fades and you spend less and less time together. And it's not because you don't care about them anymore, it's just that the newness isn't there to keep your brain. Focused on it. Then impulsivity, which can cause all kinds of issues with like misunderstanding and communication and, distraction in general. then there's all the like various co-occurring mental health things that many people with ADHD tend to have, like anxiety or depression. So that can come in. issues with organization or task initiation, make, household chores and management and balancing responsibilities between two people, a lot harder. emotional regulation can cause whether it's rejection, sensitivity, or Flying off the handle kind of stuff. and then memory issues where it's not that you don't care, you're just really bad at holding dates and names and stuff in your head.

Trina: Gosh,

Noelle: that there's a lot

Trina: is a lot. It's

Noelle: into

Trina: the first thing I think about is how often in my relationships, I maybe don't realize yeah, I live with ADHD every day and it's so frustrating to have all of those issues, but like someone else that you're married to or you live with is also dealing with those things in a different way.

And I sometimes forget, know, sometimes I'm like, well, why? frustrated, but they don't know how much more frustrating it is for me on my end, I guess. But it's hard for me to remember that they need some education and communication skills and stuff to, to work with their ADHD partner,

O'Ryan: I, I have this theory, and I would love to hear your feedback on this. I think most relationship problems come down to a communication breakdown.

Noelle: Oh yeah.

O'Ryan: Either you're not able to communicate your emotions or like your intention, or there's something that's just going unsaid that causes some like confusion or miscommunication down the line. it's a situation where I can imagine. you have two people in a relationship together. One is ADHD, one doesn't. They don't understand each other's viewpoints, and if they're not able to communicate their needs to each other appropriately, then you just have two people resenting each other now and thinking the other person might even be doing it intentionally, or, or is just completely ignoring the way that you're feeling and the needs that you have.

Noelle: Mm-hmm.

O'Ryan: like for, somebody with ADHD, maybe we don't even have the language to describe the stuff that we're dealing with yet. especially if you're not diagnosed yet or you're recently diagnosed, but then for somebody who's neurotypical, you don't understand this invisible problem that your partner's dealing with.

On the outside, it looks like something else, and, and that something else can oftentimes be pretty troubling, right? If it looks like they're not paying attention to you, or it looks like they're being lazy or they're not upholding their end of the bargain,

Noelle: Mm-hmm.

O'Ryan: that can be frustrating as

well.

Trina: like I'm sure I know that I've run into this in my marriage is if my husband asks me to do something and it's like really important to him and I really wanna do that thing, but

O'Ryan: Mm-hmm.

Trina: disappears. Like it just does not stay in my brain and I come across as the person that like doesn't

O'Ryan: Yeah.

Trina: them.

I think that's a really common one is like the memory stuff. Like you were saying earlier, Noelle.

so like you have to have something back up to support you knowing that that's probably gonna happen. You have to like, put some support systems in place. there's just so many, there are so many struggles that you forget that you deal with, that your partner is also dealing

O'Ryan: Yeah.

Trina: that kind of interesting and like I always want them to have empathy for me. But am I really giving them that same empathy back, like

Noelle: All

Trina: not always.

Noelle: about how, how different the exact same circumstances look just by more information about what's going on.

O'Ryan: Hmm.

Noelle: Like I, I remember there's a particular book I. Read. I can't remember what it was off the top of my head. probably one of my books. but it had a really great kind of example of this where, let's say you said, you were going on a date with someone and they're gonna pick you up at eight eight comes around and they're not there and they haven't called. Your initial instinct because you don't know any better, might be to be super offended. Hey, they're standing me up and okay, I'm just gonna give them five more minutes. Let's not overreact. Five minutes passes, 10 minutes passes, and the longer it goes, the more frustrated you're getting because how could they not even call me?

Right? then half an hour, an hour goes by and they show up and they're like, oh my gosh, I am so sorry. something bad happened. I was in an accident or whatever, and I wasn't able to call you. I'm so sorry. You know? And then now you feel like the butthead you've been thinking this whole time that. They were, you know, intentionally standing you up. But now that you have new information, the situation looks completely different. And that's a lot of times how it can be with ADHD, you know, you look at the same circumstance where, the partner with a d, ADHD is not doing, you know, the chores they agreed to regularly. Well. For the partner with ADHD, they're feeling super bad about the fact that they keep forgetting this and they want to do it. It's just their brain won't let them remember, and they haven't figured out the right strategy to remember yet. if the partner without ADHD doesn't know that that's what's going on, it looks a lot like. Laziness or not caring about them or not listening. So I think communication is like so important because once both people are on the same page about what's going on, you can work together as a team to come up with solutions that work for both of you.

O'Ryan: Almost like when you're, when you're not able to communicate to each other, that gap is going to be filled with assumptions and usually those assumptions are based on your own personal things going on, or some insecurity or whatever, which that's even worse, right? If you're using your own insecurities to fill the gap, that communication is leaving.

that's incredibly terrifying place to be.

Trina: I, I think it's super tough because I've heard two people say oh, you're using ADHD as an excuse in

O'Ryan: Hmm.

Trina: And I know a lot of people have reframed it to well, it's not an excuse. It's an explanation of what's going on. but I know that this is really common in ADHD relationships to hear that ADHD is an excuse to, you know, maybe forget your chores or forget X, Y, Z, and you're like this, you're using it as an excuse, which is very frustrating for the person with ADHD to hear that.

so I don't know. I just wanted to curious if you guys have had any experience with that or what you think about that explanation versus excuse scenario.

Noelle: I think we kind of talked about that in a different way in a, in an episode about work and

O'Ryan: Hmm.

Noelle: to talk to,

O'Ryan: Yeah.

Noelle: employer about it. because in, in that episode we were talking about how, I think if it was, if you're asking for accommodations, you might say Hey, I struggle with, remembering deadlines. And if you just come and say, Hey, I can't remember deadlines, and leave it up to them to be the only one to try and come up with a solution that's more in like excuse territory. if you say, Hey, you know what, I really struggle with remembering deadlines. This is, you know, kind of some of the ideas I've had about how we might up with, you know, a solution for this. Can we talk together about what might be a good solution so that we're both on the same page now, that is more taking accountability and being proactive.

O'Ryan: Yeah,

Trina: Yeah, I like that a lot. I like the reframing of that.

O'Ryan: yeah. This idea of I'm not just like throwing my hands up and saying, well, I have ADHD. It's Hey, I have ADHD. We're on the same page now. This is what I need to accommodate this and like together. I think that's, that's also part of that communication, right?

It's it's not just communicating that you have ADHD and then okay, that's it. It's I have ADHD. It are my needs. Let's, let's work together to figure this out. I heard this really good explanation the other day of ADHD paralysis. And I feel like it's a really good way to, like those moments where you're locked in the couch and you're like, I need to go do 500 different chores. And, everybody's depending on me to do these things and I need to go do them, but you just can't, you can't do it. somebody, I, I forget who it was. I think it was on TikTok probably. they were giving this explanation of here's a gas stove and there's this raging blue fire there, and they're like, just put your hand down on it. just throw your hand on it. and she's like,no matter what you do, your body is not going to allow you to put your hand down because you know exactly what's gonna happen. yeah, sure, you can force it, you can overcome it and you can like force your body to do it. But every. Cell in your body is gonna be fighting against you to not allow you to do that. That's kind of what ADHD paralysis feels like a lot of times. And so overcoming that is not just a willpower or I'm just gonna get up and do it moment. It's, it's no, my entire body is fighting me right now and I, I don't know how to deal with

Noelle: Mm-hmm.

Trina: Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. I was also thinking about how someone also recently said For people with ADHD, like if you have to brush your teeth, or let's say you have to do the dishes

O'Ryan: Hmm.

Trina: like you alm, like you have to think about every single step. And it's not

O'Ryan: Yeah.

Trina: natural as someone like a neurotypical person.

So there is more effort involved in a basic task, like it is more strenuous. It is more exhausting. It is overwhelming because sitting on the couch knowing you have to do a hundred things, it's almost like you know you have to do 400 things 'cause you have to do. You know, you have to really think about all the steps in between.

so it is overwhelming to think about that and it does leave you glued on the couch 'cause it just feels huge, you know, at a

O'Ryan: Yeah.

Trina: I think a lot of things are. lot bigger for us just because, we, we can't kind of automatically do the, the executive functions, right? We have to be consciously aware of them, just like we talked about, I think in the episode about, what was it? about

Was it per

Noelle: writing tasks

Trina: paralysis or something, or the to-do list?

Noelle: maybe the to-do list one where it's

O'Ryan: Yeah.

Noelle: okay, just to out, you know, how to do a task or, or how to plan something. You're not just saying, oh, do this task. You're saying, okay, now I have to figure out every single step. And whereas a neurotypical person, a lot of that just happens automatically in the background and they're not even aware of it. For us, we have to like intentionally. Go through it and, and so it does make a lot of things much bigger and harder.

O'Ryan: It is that autopilot thing.

Noelle: Mm-hmm.

O'Ryan: it feels like you don't actually have the autopilot and then you have to go through and do everything very manually.

Trina: So like thinking about this person that called in and I guess their question is what can, what can we do? To help our partner understand and just to not fight as much and to maybe communicate better.

O'Ryan: I think that that's a really important call out, and you've made it twice now, is this idea of what can we do? Like remembering that this is a relationship. And yes, you might be the one with ADHD. Maybe you're the neurotypical listening to this and your partner has ADHD, but like remembering that this is a partnership and that communication only works when both of you are participating.

And that means like making a safe space. That means actively listening when your partner's explaining. there's also another thing that's really, useful, which is called mirroring. And mirroring is just basically like when your partner says something, you should say it back to them just to demonstrate that you understand it and allow room for them to correct you if you don't.

Noelle: Mm-hmm. Yeah, I think that one can be almost extra helpful for people with ADHD if you know, okay, I am, I'm gonna practice mirroring because.

O'Ryan: Mm-hmm.

Noelle: Then you have that intent, that conscious

O'Ryan: Yeah.

Noelle: of, I need to be paying attention to this so that I can say it back, you know?

O'Ryan: And that can be kind of weird, right? if I, I'm imagining situations in the past where I'm talking to a neurotypical and they say something and I mirror them and they're like, yes, I just said that. Right. It almost sounds like what are you doing? And so maybe in these situations, rather than just doing these things, like actively communicating to your partner and being like, Hey, I'm gonna repeat this back just because I wanna make sure I understand it.

I wanna give you the opportunity to adjust it so that we're on the same page

Noelle: Mm-hmm.

O'Ryan: like that, that shared understanding is the whole goal of communication, right? It's not, it's not just I'm gonna say these things, you're gonna hear them. And we both acknowledge that things have been said.

It's no, we have to come to a shared understanding. And that shared understanding is what allows us to move forward together.

Noelle: Mm-hmm.

O'Ryan: 'cause otherwise, if we have different understandings of what's going on, we're moving in different directions.

Trina: That's such a basic level to start at, but it's it is like the main key ingredient to moving

O'Ryan: Yeah.

Trina: is like getting to a place where you can both communicate in a calm manner and that you're both listening and you both understand and, and you're just trying to find the common ground is. be really difficult, but I like you.

You kind of have to start there and it kind of sucks.

Noelle: I mean, whether you have ADHD or not. I think one of the things that I always try to tell people is that, you're, you're having an argument, you have a disagreement, there's a problem. It's really helpful for the both of you to kind of step back and say, you know, this isn't me against my partner. is us against that thing. And so when you're coming at it together as a team, that can take some of The hurt and the emotion out of it it's not about you and it's not about them. It's about this other thing that you're both approaching. I mean, when it comes to the, the mirroring and labeling and all that stuff, there's actually a few different kind of, I don't know, twists that I come up with for some of my, of my clients that. Can make, make it a little easier to, to engage in communication and be present and all of that.

O'Ryan: Hey, we have so much to say on this topic. If you are interested in hearing more about this, we have a whole guide about how to facilitate conversations with your partner.

If you're interested in getting that download, there will be a link down below this episode on the website at Shimmer dot care slash brainwaves.

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